Online:The Lusty Argonian Maid

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The Lusty Argonian Maid

Excerpts of a bawdy play

Volume 1

(a fragment)

- Act IV, Scene III, Continued -

Lifts-Her-Tail: Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers.

Crantius Colto: Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers?

Lifts-Her-Tail: I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor Argonian maid.

Crantius Colto: So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong legs and shapely tail.

Lifts-Her-Tail: You embarrass me, sir!

Crantius Colto: Fear not. You are safe here with me.

Lifts-Her-Tail: I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not!

Crantius Colto: Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear.

Lifts-Her-Tail: But it is huge! It could take me all night!

Crantius Colto: Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.

- End of Act IV, Scene III -

(a fragment)

- Act VII, Scene II, Continued -

Lifts-Her-Tail: My goodness, that's quite a loaf! But how ever shall it fit my oven?

Crantius Colto: This loaf isn't ready for baking, my sweet. It has yet to rise.

Lifts-Her-Tail: If only we could hurry that along. How would I accomplish such a task?

Crantius Colto: Oh, my foolish little Argonian maid, you must use your hands.

Lifts-Her-Tail: You wish me to knead the loaf? Here?

Crantius Colto: Of course.

Lifts-Her-Tail: But what if the mistress catches me? Your loaf was meant to satisfy her appetite.

Crantius Colto: Don't fret, my delicate flower. I'll satisfy the mistress' cravings later.

Lifts-Her-Tail: Very well, but I'm afraid my oven isn't hot enough. It could take hours!

Crantius Colto: Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.

- End of Act VII, Scene II -